I WILL Try

A thought just hit me. I was rereading something my Mum and Dad wrote to me for my birthday a few days ago, and one line stuck out to me.

“...you’re maturing into an amazing young woman of God!... We love your heart after God...”

I really don’t feel like I’m doing exactly what He wants me to, because I have trouble hearing directly from Him. So how can I follow what He wants me to do if I don’t know what it is? An amazing woman of God? Me?

My depiction of an ‘amazing woman of God’ is someone who sincerely doesn’t care what others think of her because she only cares what God thinks, someone who prays night and day and spends hours in the presence of God hearing from Him, someone who knows what God wants her to do so she does it with passion, she is someone who is absolutely on fire for Him and what He’s doing in the world!!

When I look at myself and my life, I don’t really see that ‘amazing woman of God’. Yeah I believe in Him and I love Him, but how am I showing it to Him? I try to read my devotion every morning and pray when I remember. I don’t know every step God wants me to take; all I have at the moment is what the Bible teaches me. I try hard to do the right thing and I truly want Jesus to be my Best Friend. So why is it so hard? Why do people say they can see God shining through me, when I struggle to see it in myself? I feel honoured and I try to do what I think He wants me to do.But I don't see Him shining through me. Do you understand where I’m coming from here?

I needed to look beneath the surface and do you know what I realised? I’m not the woman that I want to be. There is so much growth that needs to take place before I will be even close! In 5 or even 10 years from now I want to be a woman who can hear from God directly, who is comfortable to just sit and chat to him without feeling like I look stupid talking to myself, a woman who has a heart for the broken hearted and the hurting, a woman who radiates Jesus, His love for me and isn’t scared to shout from the inside out about what He did for me. I know Jesus saved my life and I want to show Him who much I appreciate it. 

I also know that it is possible to be that woman. Yeah I won’t be her tomorrow but as each day brings new happiness and trials, I believe, and I pray, they will help me grow into that woman over time. The point is, right now I am trying. I’m trying to improve! I’m trying to love those who don’t love me back! I’m trying to spend time with God on a regular basis! I’m trying to listen to what He wants me to do! I’m trying to be patient and obedient! I’m trying to embrace His love for me! I’m trying to work on our relationship! I want Him to be my best friend. I want Him to be the Center of my life, the Light in my darkness, the Answer to my questions and the Strength in my weakness!  

I live life day by day, and every day is a blessing. As long as I am trying, and keep pursuing these things every day, trying will become doing and doing will become a way of life. I want Jesus to be my Way of Life. Because without Him, what would I be? Where would I be? One day I will be that woman that I’m striving to be. I'm determined. It’s a work in progress, but with God anything is possible (Philippians 4:13). It’s a race that we’re all running. Some are slower than others, but as members of the body of Christ we run together. If you’re trying, you have the ability to make it happen. I’m trying, are you?

When I had this thought I tried to just write it down as fast as I could. I’m sorry if it doesn’t make as much sense to you as it did to me. But I thought it was worth sharing :)

~ Taleisha